not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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