The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
