I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
