I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
