I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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