I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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