I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
