I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
