the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Randomize
