i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
