that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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