I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
