Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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