totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
