wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
