There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
