You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
