11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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