I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
