why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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