I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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