people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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