Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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