Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
