i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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