Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
