hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
