I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
