a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
