why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
