woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
