You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Is Oprah even human
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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