i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
