I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
