An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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