Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
