I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
