Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
