You don't have asthma, your pregnant
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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