My hair reeks of homosexuality.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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