Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
