she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
