it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
