I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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