i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
