I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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