That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
