i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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