Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
