My friends, they love my intelligence
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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