420 ftw
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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